These are a couple of articles that I started writing for Cracked and got rejected.  This should explain, if anyone is wondering, why it's written in the Cracked voice.


First up, this one began as X Movie Heroes We All Loved (That Were Really Just Universally Stupid):

Summary: Heroes in movies that for one action or another are held in high esteem. This article would kind of be a "put yourself in the other person's shoes" and show why their actions could be perceived as heinous.

1. Starship Troopers
The "Hero":  Carmen Ibanez, probationary pilot and full-time fuck up.

Moment of Triumph:  Saved the S.S. Rodger Young from total annihilation by an Arachnid-launched asteroid through quick thinking and piloting skills. She was even commended for her efforts by the ship's captain!


Wrong asteroid

Why It’s Universally Stupid:  After reprogramming the course of the Rodger Young to gain a slight increase to efficiency (seriously? Don't they have ballistic computers for that?), she PUT the Rodger Young into the path of said asteroid. And while she saved MOST of the crew, there were still the poor bastards that were stationed in the communications tower of the starship, which was demolished by a space rock so huge that it had it's own gravity well. Oh, and did we forget to mention that same projectile was responsible for erasing Buenos Aires, Carmen's HOME TOWN?

Scene starts about three minutes in

Yeah, it seems that with no communication capabilities, it's really hard to send the simplest message, like, "Get out of Buenos Aires!" When the captain asks the bizarre question, "Where did it come from?” as if an asteroid encounter in space automatically has calamitous intent, the response is instantly given by the computer: Klendathu, the Arachnids' home planet. (Wait, they've got a computer capable of reverse engineering the ballistic path of an asteroid, but they're programming the path of the starship by hand?) The resulting impact forced the Terran government to hastily jump into war and get their asses HANDED to them during their first battle on Klendathu. If she hadn't been showing off, the Rodger Young could have located the meteor on radar, radioed back to earth about it's impending doom, saved Buenos Aires, and STILL screwed her pilot/instructor. More than 8.7 million South Americans dead in a heroic proportion blunder. Unless her goal was to bring a screeching halt to the drug trade and coffee industry, this was, by many accounts, an epic fail.


2.  Stargate

The “Heroes”:  COL O’Neil and Dr. Jackson

Moment Of Triumph:  Several, actually. The most important (it being the climax of the movie and all) was defeating the alien gods (dominant species) and freeing their slaves (non-dominant species).


We just lost the probe  through the scary gate made of a vertical sheet of  water. Should we follow it?

Why It’s Universally Stupid:  Let’s pretend for a minute that it was a good idea in the first place to send a crack squad (yeah, when I think badass, I think of French Stewart) of black-ops troops from the Air Force (because they're traveling by jet, right? They're not? What the fuck?). Let’s go further into fantasy-land and pretend it was a good idea to send Dr. Jackson with them. While we’re at it, let’s pretend it was a phenomenal idea to bring along a nuclear device because hey, you never know when you might have to annihilate more life forces than you can handle with just your MP-5s.


No, no, no...we said MP-Five.

Putting all of that aside, have these people NOT seen Star Trek? Do they NOT know what the prime directive is? Apparently not, because they decide that Ra and his band of merry…er…gods just aren’t allowed to have slaves. Keep in mind, this is the first planet the human race has ever visited. EVER. Not only that, but this is our first time experiencing life outside of our planet. EVER. Oh, and since these guys are human, our heroes quickly deduce that they’re actually descendants of Egyptians from 3,000 years ago, kidnapped by Ra. So, waltzing in like Cortez did with the Aztecs (which experts agree is one of the biggest dick moves in history), the good Colonel and Dr. Jackson just up and decide that shit ain’t gonna fly, and start a revolution against the “gods”. Way to pass judgment on a culture older than any on earth, douche. Like any good revolution, a bunch of the good guys get killed, but they were background characters, so fuck ‘em. In what can only be described as going from bad to worse, Ra takes his spaceship and decides to get the fuck out of Dodge. Not content to leave well enough alone, Dr. Jackson transports the nuclear device onto Ra’s ship. Nice. Nuclear holocaust for everyone. It detonates just outside of the stratosphere, ensuring cancer and genetic mutation for generations to come. And don't forget what happens anytime ANY dictatorship is overthrown: chaos ensues as long as there's nothing stable to fill the vacuum. But Jackson DID stay behind. So they have THAT going for them.



The second one I wrote was fairly well-received by the other freelance writers at Cracked, but the editors felt it was too weak.  Meh.  Anyway, this one is X Stupid Products Clearly Marketed to First-Time Parents:

If you really think about it, raising a child isn't that difficult. Sure, it takes nearly all of your waking (and a good portion of your used-to-be sleeping) minutes, but all you really need to do is be attentive. But hey, nobody's perfect, right? We've all had something bad happen that ONE time we weren't paying attention. The guy that normally obeys the speed limit and gets a ticket the only time he speeds. That time the neighbor's pitbull drank the anti-freeze out of the dog dish you left on your property line. No? Just us? Well, whatever, the point is that there are plenty of safety products designed to baby-proof your house that make sense. Like outlet covers, or doorway gates. And then, there are THESE products...

The Product: baby knee pads

Why It's Stupid:  Babies are pretty durable. Every last one of us reading this grew up (probably) without wearing infant knee pads, and miraculously didn't need reconstructive surgery. Right in the ad, it reads, "Effective on carpet, tile, hardwood, laminate floors, and even outdoor surfaces like paving and concrete." Paving and concrete. What, is your kid apprenticing to become a mason? Who is letting their child roam around unsupervised on asphalt and concrete? What's next, crushed gravel?


I'll have my office call you with an estimate.

And carpet...we have a hard time believing any infant needs their poor little knees protected from something soft. Hey, we made it through toddler-hood avoiding our father's discarded cigarettes and broken beer bottles, your kid will survive plush shag. We imagine the clerk that processed the patent application laughed himself to sleep the night after he saw this one. Whoever it was that came up with this is clearly missing out on a golden opportunity for naive parents: infant-sized padded gloves.